i know that it has been a very long time since i have written anything here ... no one prolly even reads this anymore and if they dont then no worries at least this way i can write them out and no longer keep them bottled up inside this frail transport of a body for my soul. 

it has been many months since my last entry and honestly i should have been making more and more but i have been keeping things bottled up insdie me again like i had in the past. in doing that it onlpy proved that my soul is weak and frail and cant handle very much.

i have been trying to get things with me straight so that i might again one day be the man that my love saw in the past.  but i will be honest with anyone whom reads this ... it seems the harder i work and the more i work towards this goal i have ... the more that she pulls away from me.
when i need to hear her voice the most to help get me through a hard time that is the time that she pulls away from me more and wont even answer the phone.  when i need to talk to her to help me get through a difficult time ... she is not there anymore ... i have lost my way more these last two months then i have ever before ...

i cant not ground myself long enough to center ... i can not meditate cause i cant clear my head of all the ramblesi have .... i can not get any guidance from any source that has helped me in the past ... The Lady is no longer waiting to guide me .. only the Mist i can see these days ... i feel as though the Divine herself is pulling away and leaving me in total darkness and leaving only the shades and shadows to hound me.

there are aspects of my life in this realm that some could say are good .... but leave this realm for a split second and look down on it and one can not see anything good about it for all one can see is an empty shell and a lost soul.

i have asked for help ... pleaded for help .. begged for help ... but it is all to no avail for what little help  is offered is bailed before it even gets started.  ...

my health of this frail body is taking a toll but it is hard to open up to anyone about 'me' simply because it doesnt seem as though the one that i care the most for and love with everything ..... doesnt care for me ..

-- what is life without love? what is loving someone without being loved back? what is working to get things right again so that one can see it?

-- answer is .... Nothing! ... answer is ... it is me

Cloaked.

i know that i havent posted anything on here in a long time but that is because my mind is a wreck and there is too much in my head...even now i dont have things straight but needed to write them down so that maybe it would help me clear some of it all out.
so since i really dont know how to start this ramble off in any certain way it will just be a bunch of thoughts jotted down and if you take the time to read this maybe you can make some sense out of it all.
i know that where i am within myself is better now then it was in the past years .. this year alone i have done alot of growing and i can see it within myself so i know that change is good for the long run. my mind set is clearer and i have more self talk and can think of other PoV's other then just my own. 
i know that i am not where i want to be physically yet but damn one thing at a time lol
i was in some anger management classes and i am not completed with those and can start on working to get everthing else squared away.

so i have been alone now for quite some time and even though i have friends around me now that care ... i am lacking companionship .. i will not lie and say that i am over my life partner for that will never happen but i do know that she has moved on with her life and has bonded with another that *IMO- is not right for her and does not accept her for her* is not me. i have come to realize that it is not my place to make sure she is happy that is all up to her for it is her life and i can not live it for her .. i can only do the best with my own and hope that the Divine still has a path lead out for me to follow and get my life back on track.
so with being alone and lonely all the time i have been talking with friends of mine about how the dating life really is because honestly i have been out of it for far too long and dont know how it all works ... so one of them has set up a date for me with a friend of hers for this Friday and i said i would go, i have seen pics of her and have even chatted with her a lil online so i am not going into this totally blind.  we seem to hit it off on here and seems that we have alot in common
 i will say that i still hold very high feelings for my life partner but she has moved on totally with her life ... i have nothing to wait on anymore right? should i feel bad for talking to others as something more then a friend?? am i wrong for feeling all alone??  am i wrong for wanting someone that i might be able to at the least cuddle with at night so that i am not so cold and alone??

i have not been able to calm my self long enough to ground or center in so long that honestly i am so tightly wound that i am worried about relaxing for fear of hurting someone(anyone) that might be around me .. my energy has been pent up for so long now that i fear if i let my guard down it will rush out with such force i wont be able to control it so that i can relax safely.  i do not have my guide around me down here and what control i do have i know wont be enough for the tension i have now.
i have so much blazing through my mind, heart, soul and body that i am scared to relax! i need help!!

 i guess on an upscale my new career is going well thusfar .. it hasnt been killing me physical...the work is not that hard to do just long long LONG hours (75+ a week since i started) but the job is very dangerous and i have to be 'extremely' carefull so not to hurt myself or the gen public ... radiation is some bad shiv if handled wrong.  my issue with finding a place seems to have been taken care of for the time being .. it is not where i want to be at but will have to do for the time being.  vehicle is still holding up but it is damn cold to be riding the bike right now but i have to do what i have to do...
at the current time right now i am ill and not up to par so forgive me if this is very eractic and doesnt make much sense maybe another time i will try to put it together in a better way but for now this is how it is and for now if ya dont like it ... look somewhere else ..

maybe the divine's plans for my path will lead me to a shadowy place where it wont matter what happens to me for none see me anyways.....

Cloaked. 

well another week has come and gone and a new one has started ... amoungst the times passed it has still be too long since my travel partner *lifes journey* has truely spoken with me. it seems that she only really speaks when she is mad at me so i guess the time apart means i havent done anything to upset her as of late.  But as that is a good thing it is still extremly difficult going day to day without at least hearing her voice. my soul aches with the distance that is between us and though she is mending nicely with her new chosen bounded partner ... i can not do so with another for she is my travel partner that no one will replace. The short times that i do get to talk to her are all so brief and always cut short because she has to go or i call at bad times and bother her .. i do my best to wait on her calls but they rarely come in. 

i know i dont blog very often but that is mainly due to the fact that i am a closed indiviual that is trying to open up but have no one to help guide me or at least walk with me on this journey of mine.  those that know me know only the side of me i chose to show them and thus when it comes to certain things about me they dont understand them.  so quite honestly is why Cloaked Shadow is here ... i have always been a child of the shadows and enjoy the life i have had there ... but in the recently passed years i have cloaked myself even from the shadows i use to happily play in .. hence go Cloaked Shadow ..

i do wish there was someone out there that had the time and willingness to put forth effort enough in someone who is lost and willing to find ways back to where he is happy again, but amoungst the shadows of shadows none can see .....

Cloaked

Today has been a really bad day .. nothing i do is right and nothing i want to say comes out right. Today is a day that I could really use my girl to help me through it but it is true that i no longer am around her so she cant help me. she has moved on and has found another to help guide through this realm. today is a day i feel truely lost.

Cloaked!

this is the first blog of what will be many in the days to come ... is says that i am suppose to say a few things bout myself here so that whomever stumbles across this might know a lil bout me ... well all i can say is that if ya do happen to be unfortinate enough to come across this page and want to know more then just keep coming back to learn more because it will come across as i write more.

Trust me .. it wont always be a pretty lil picture.

Cloaked Shadow