i know that i havent posted anything on here in a long time but that is because my mind is a wreck and there is too much in my head...even now i dont have things straight but needed to write them down so that maybe it would help me clear some of it all out.
so since i really dont know how to start this ramble off in any certain way it will just be a bunch of thoughts jotted down and if you take the time to read this maybe you can make some sense out of it all.
i know that where i am within myself is better now then it was in the past years .. this year alone i have done alot of growing and i can see it within myself so i know that change is good for the long run. my mind set is clearer and i have more self talk and can think of other PoV's other then just my own. 
i know that i am not where i want to be physically yet but damn one thing at a time lol
i was in some anger management classes and i am not completed with those and can start on working to get everthing else squared away.

so i have been alone now for quite some time and even though i have friends around me now that care ... i am lacking companionship .. i will not lie and say that i am over my life partner for that will never happen but i do know that she has moved on with her life and has bonded with another that *IMO- is not right for her and does not accept her for her* is not me. i have come to realize that it is not my place to make sure she is happy that is all up to her for it is her life and i can not live it for her .. i can only do the best with my own and hope that the Divine still has a path lead out for me to follow and get my life back on track.
so with being alone and lonely all the time i have been talking with friends of mine about how the dating life really is because honestly i have been out of it for far too long and dont know how it all works ... so one of them has set up a date for me with a friend of hers for this Friday and i said i would go, i have seen pics of her and have even chatted with her a lil online so i am not going into this totally blind.  we seem to hit it off on here and seems that we have alot in common
 i will say that i still hold very high feelings for my life partner but she has moved on totally with her life ... i have nothing to wait on anymore right? should i feel bad for talking to others as something more then a friend?? am i wrong for feeling all alone??  am i wrong for wanting someone that i might be able to at the least cuddle with at night so that i am not so cold and alone??

i have not been able to calm my self long enough to ground or center in so long that honestly i am so tightly wound that i am worried about relaxing for fear of hurting someone(anyone) that might be around me .. my energy has been pent up for so long now that i fear if i let my guard down it will rush out with such force i wont be able to control it so that i can relax safely.  i do not have my guide around me down here and what control i do have i know wont be enough for the tension i have now.
i have so much blazing through my mind, heart, soul and body that i am scared to relax! i need help!!

 i guess on an upscale my new career is going well thusfar .. it hasnt been killing me physical...the work is not that hard to do just long long LONG hours (75+ a week since i started) but the job is very dangerous and i have to be 'extremely' carefull so not to hurt myself or the gen public ... radiation is some bad shiv if handled wrong.  my issue with finding a place seems to have been taken care of for the time being .. it is not where i want to be at but will have to do for the time being.  vehicle is still holding up but it is damn cold to be riding the bike right now but i have to do what i have to do...
at the current time right now i am ill and not up to par so forgive me if this is very eractic and doesnt make much sense maybe another time i will try to put it together in a better way but for now this is how it is and for now if ya dont like it ... look somewhere else ..

maybe the divine's plans for my path will lead me to a shadowy place where it wont matter what happens to me for none see me anyways.....

Cloaked.