i dont want to be here anymore! nothing i can do is right .. nothing i can say is right ... i have lost everyone that i have loved. i have always done something somewhere that screws things up and then i lose the only things worth keeping me around.  i am lost amy ... due to being too young and immature and just plain stupid ... it took a long long time for me to finally realize that she is better off without me and is in a better place with me not around.  honestly i never thought i would love again .. then i was reunited with someone from my past.... i fell for kadee. i have always cared for her .. ever since high school but back then she never looked at me twice.  i had the honor of escorting her on two occasions back in high school during football games ... it was very formal and she didnt really ever talk to me but i always kept an eye out for her from a distance.  she made my heart soar the day that she told me that she loved me and that she had fallen for me. i felt so young again and soooo happy. i wanted to blurt it right back but due to my insercuities and my past failures i reframed myself and didnt let my feelings be known to her. i finally told her one day and she said that she knew all along.  she asked me to move in with her and though i was flying inside i reframed again and said i couldnt ... not yet ... i need timed because i didnt want to rush things.  everytime i rush things i **** them up and i lose what is soo good in my life.  i finally told her that i had to talk to her one day i didnt care what time it was .... i got off work really late and drive out to her house at 1130 at night.  i just had to tell her that i wanted her too and that i wanted to be together as well.  i took her hands in mine .. looked her in her beautiful eyes ... told her i loved her and i wanted to be with her .... ...... ..... she told me, 'No, it was too late.' ... she dropped my hands and my heart was crushed .. i didnt know what to do really ... i dont remember everything that happen after that ... i finally got back in the van and drove off.  i still wanted her in my life very much .. so i kept contact with her and we talked a lil here and there everyday.  one weekend like two weeks later she was lieing in my bed and i was holding her and she asked me, "Ask me again!" ... she wouldnt look at me .. she only looked down ... i worked up my nerve one more time and asked her if she would be with me ... she looked half way up and said, 'Yes' ... i heart soared again .. i was soo happy. Things were well for a while and honestly i couldnt have asked for anything more. we were not together long though when she said that i had changed and was acting different.  we couldnt spend two days together before she was ready for me to leave.  ...yes i was hurt because i didnt understand .. but i respected her and did as she asked. things just kept getting worse for me from then it seems .. we had an argument one day .. worked it out and she said that fighting amoungst adults is fine and healthy ... we will never always agree on the same thing.  .. ... --- i love to hear her voice but she doesnt like mine *i assume* cause for some reason she always feels and thinks that im fighting with her now and with everything in me and all honesty i am not fighting or argueing about anything. sometimes i call/text just to say i miss her and that i love her and want to see more of her.  i get back this is the way it is and i have to deal with it ... ... i just want a lil compassion from the one that i love and the one that says loves me.   she told me today that she no longer felt ther was an us .. ther is only a me ... and that she couldnt be with me anylonger .. so once again i have lost the one thing that worth being here for .... .... ....... ..... i dont want to be here any more.  i dont want to hurt anymore .. i dont want to hurt others anymore!! i want the pain to stop!! i ...... ....... ....... ...... i just want what i give. love compassion and caring ... why is that so hard to ask for for me.   why am i such a bad person that i dont deserve to be loved.  -- I just want to be loved back -- ..... i dont want to hurt anymore ........ i dont want to be here!!!