for those of you that have been keeping up with what lil i do write this entry will come with a twist. this is the first entry i have made that actually has a postive bost. after i snapped and lost it *reference to my last blog* i went and admitted myself! it was extremely hard to actually walk into the building knowing that i was about to totally give up everything i had ever had. my freedom, my choices, my rights. after some self bashing and self talk i finally was able to walk through the door and talk to the nurse. after talking with her for about 15 mins ... they had me back in an er room by myself with cameras everywhere ... but at least i was alone and they brought me some juice :) after sitting in there for about 2 hours a doc came in and talked to me for a lil bit asking all the 'mental' questions. after he left i stayed in that room for about 30 mins and then they said they had a room ready for me in the 'unit'. in my head that was the longest walk i have ever made. when we got to the unit ... i think things were finally clicking that i really couldnt turn back. the unit is was a total lock down unit. first thing they did was take everything i had ... from my rings to my shoes. from there my mind started racing so fast that i really dont remember much else from the first day.

i ended up spending 7days in the unit before i was released. now that im out everything is different and i feel lost. while i was in there i lost my job (im not realible for them) so now im about to lose my house and prolly my bike. things are still rough for me and very hard. i dont have a close support group (like they want me to have) but that is because everyone i know is on the net and other states.

so all in all i totally lost it and have to start anew ... since i have been out i have discovered that starting again this time is meaning starting all the way over with absolutely nothing!

Cloaked