i talked to my daughter's mother today.  it started out to be a very good conversation but then turned south very quickly.  i reminds me of the past and that i was a screwed up person and how bad i was....i did things that i shouldnt have done and went about things in ways that could have been done better. 
she did show me a couple new pictures of my daughter. she is growing up so fast .... i cant believe its been 2 years!
when she talks to me i feel so small ... i feel as though no matter what i do it will never be good enough to at least make her content that i am trying. the shadows always surround me so closely i can see them engulfing me whole and dragging me down ..  my mind is racing so much and so fast .... i cant get my thoughts straight i cant sort out what is real and what is not .... good thoughts bad thoughts all mixed together nothing making anysense .... i do not like feeling this way .. i dont like not having control of myself ....
i do not want the pain to return ... i want the hurt to stay away .... please .... please do not come back into me .....