i talked to my daughter's mother today.  it started out to be a very good conversation but then turned south very quickly.  i reminds me of the past and that i was a screwed up person and how bad i was....i did things that i shouldnt have done and went about things in ways that could have been done better. 
she did show me a couple new pictures of my daughter. she is growing up so fast .... i cant believe its been 2 years!
when she talks to me i feel so small ... i feel as though no matter what i do it will never be good enough to at least make her content that i am trying. the shadows always surround me so closely i can see them engulfing me whole and dragging me down ..  my mind is racing so much and so fast .... i cant get my thoughts straight i cant sort out what is real and what is not .... good thoughts bad thoughts all mixed together nothing making anysense .... i do not like feeling this way .. i dont like not having control of myself ....
i do not want the pain to return ... i want the hurt to stay away .... please .... please do not come back into me .....

for those of you that have been keeping up with what lil i do write this entry will come with a twist. this is the first entry i have made that actually has a postive bost. after i snapped and lost it *reference to my last blog* i went and admitted myself! it was extremely hard to actually walk into the building knowing that i was about to totally give up everything i had ever had. my freedom, my choices, my rights. after some self bashing and self talk i finally was able to walk through the door and talk to the nurse. after talking with her for about 15 mins ... they had me back in an er room by myself with cameras everywhere ... but at least i was alone and they brought me some juice :) after sitting in there for about 2 hours a doc came in and talked to me for a lil bit asking all the 'mental' questions. after he left i stayed in that room for about 30 mins and then they said they had a room ready for me in the 'unit'. in my head that was the longest walk i have ever made. when we got to the unit ... i think things were finally clicking that i really couldnt turn back. the unit is was a total lock down unit. first thing they did was take everything i had ... from my rings to my shoes. from there my mind started racing so fast that i really dont remember much else from the first day.

i ended up spending 7days in the unit before i was released. now that im out everything is different and i feel lost. while i was in there i lost my job (im not realible for them) so now im about to lose my house and prolly my bike. things are still rough for me and very hard. i dont have a close support group (like they want me to have) but that is because everyone i know is on the net and other states.

so all in all i totally lost it and have to start anew ... since i have been out i have discovered that starting again this time is meaning starting all the way over with absolutely nothing!

Cloaked

i dont want to be here anymore! nothing i can do is right .. nothing i can say is right ... i have lost everyone that i have loved. i have always done something somewhere that screws things up and then i lose the only things worth keeping me around.  i am lost amy ... due to being too young and immature and just plain stupid ... it took a long long time for me to finally realize that she is better off without me and is in a better place with me not around.  honestly i never thought i would love again .. then i was reunited with someone from my past.... i fell for kadee. i have always cared for her .. ever since high school but back then she never looked at me twice.  i had the honor of escorting her on two occasions back in high school during football games ... it was very formal and she didnt really ever talk to me but i always kept an eye out for her from a distance.  she made my heart soar the day that she told me that she loved me and that she had fallen for me. i felt so young again and soooo happy. i wanted to blurt it right back but due to my insercuities and my past failures i reframed myself and didnt let my feelings be known to her. i finally told her one day and she said that she knew all along.  she asked me to move in with her and though i was flying inside i reframed again and said i couldnt ... not yet ... i need timed because i didnt want to rush things.  everytime i rush things i **** them up and i lose what is soo good in my life.  i finally told her that i had to talk to her one day i didnt care what time it was .... i got off work really late and drive out to her house at 1130 at night.  i just had to tell her that i wanted her too and that i wanted to be together as well.  i took her hands in mine .. looked her in her beautiful eyes ... told her i loved her and i wanted to be with her .... ...... ..... she told me, 'No, it was too late.' ... she dropped my hands and my heart was crushed .. i didnt know what to do really ... i dont remember everything that happen after that ... i finally got back in the van and drove off.  i still wanted her in my life very much .. so i kept contact with her and we talked a lil here and there everyday.  one weekend like two weeks later she was lieing in my bed and i was holding her and she asked me, "Ask me again!" ... she wouldnt look at me .. she only looked down ... i worked up my nerve one more time and asked her if she would be with me ... she looked half way up and said, 'Yes' ... i heart soared again .. i was soo happy. Things were well for a while and honestly i couldnt have asked for anything more. we were not together long though when she said that i had changed and was acting different.  we couldnt spend two days together before she was ready for me to leave.  ...yes i was hurt because i didnt understand .. but i respected her and did as she asked. things just kept getting worse for me from then it seems .. we had an argument one day .. worked it out and she said that fighting amoungst adults is fine and healthy ... we will never always agree on the same thing.  .. ... --- i love to hear her voice but she doesnt like mine *i assume* cause for some reason she always feels and thinks that im fighting with her now and with everything in me and all honesty i am not fighting or argueing about anything. sometimes i call/text just to say i miss her and that i love her and want to see more of her.  i get back this is the way it is and i have to deal with it ... ... i just want a lil compassion from the one that i love and the one that says loves me.   she told me today that she no longer felt ther was an us .. ther is only a me ... and that she couldnt be with me anylonger .. so once again i have lost the one thing that worth being here for .... .... ....... ..... i dont want to be here any more.  i dont want to hurt anymore .. i dont want to hurt others anymore!! i want the pain to stop!! i ...... ....... ....... ...... i just want what i give. love compassion and caring ... why is that so hard to ask for for me.   why am i such a bad person that i dont deserve to be loved.  -- I just want to be loved back -- ..... i dont want to hurt anymore ........ i dont want to be here!!!

i know that it has been a very long time since i have written anything here ... no one prolly even reads this anymore and if they dont then no worries at least this way i can write them out and no longer keep them bottled up inside this frail transport of a body for my soul. 

it has been many months since my last entry and honestly i should have been making more and more but i have been keeping things bottled up insdie me again like i had in the past. in doing that it onlpy proved that my soul is weak and frail and cant handle very much.

i have been trying to get things with me straight so that i might again one day be the man that my love saw in the past.  but i will be honest with anyone whom reads this ... it seems the harder i work and the more i work towards this goal i have ... the more that she pulls away from me.
when i need to hear her voice the most to help get me through a hard time that is the time that she pulls away from me more and wont even answer the phone.  when i need to talk to her to help me get through a difficult time ... she is not there anymore ... i have lost my way more these last two months then i have ever before ...

i cant not ground myself long enough to center ... i can not meditate cause i cant clear my head of all the ramblesi have .... i can not get any guidance from any source that has helped me in the past ... The Lady is no longer waiting to guide me .. only the Mist i can see these days ... i feel as though the Divine herself is pulling away and leaving me in total darkness and leaving only the shades and shadows to hound me.

there are aspects of my life in this realm that some could say are good .... but leave this realm for a split second and look down on it and one can not see anything good about it for all one can see is an empty shell and a lost soul.

i have asked for help ... pleaded for help .. begged for help ... but it is all to no avail for what little help  is offered is bailed before it even gets started.  ...

my health of this frail body is taking a toll but it is hard to open up to anyone about 'me' simply because it doesnt seem as though the one that i care the most for and love with everything ..... doesnt care for me ..

-- what is life without love? what is loving someone without being loved back? what is working to get things right again so that one can see it?

-- answer is .... Nothing! ... answer is ... it is me

Cloaked.

i know that i havent posted anything on here in a long time but that is because my mind is a wreck and there is too much in my head...even now i dont have things straight but needed to write them down so that maybe it would help me clear some of it all out.
so since i really dont know how to start this ramble off in any certain way it will just be a bunch of thoughts jotted down and if you take the time to read this maybe you can make some sense out of it all.
i know that where i am within myself is better now then it was in the past years .. this year alone i have done alot of growing and i can see it within myself so i know that change is good for the long run. my mind set is clearer and i have more self talk and can think of other PoV's other then just my own. 
i know that i am not where i want to be physically yet but damn one thing at a time lol
i was in some anger management classes and i am not completed with those and can start on working to get everthing else squared away.

so i have been alone now for quite some time and even though i have friends around me now that care ... i am lacking companionship .. i will not lie and say that i am over my life partner for that will never happen but i do know that she has moved on with her life and has bonded with another that *IMO- is not right for her and does not accept her for her* is not me. i have come to realize that it is not my place to make sure she is happy that is all up to her for it is her life and i can not live it for her .. i can only do the best with my own and hope that the Divine still has a path lead out for me to follow and get my life back on track.
so with being alone and lonely all the time i have been talking with friends of mine about how the dating life really is because honestly i have been out of it for far too long and dont know how it all works ... so one of them has set up a date for me with a friend of hers for this Friday and i said i would go, i have seen pics of her and have even chatted with her a lil online so i am not going into this totally blind.  we seem to hit it off on here and seems that we have alot in common
 i will say that i still hold very high feelings for my life partner but she has moved on totally with her life ... i have nothing to wait on anymore right? should i feel bad for talking to others as something more then a friend?? am i wrong for feeling all alone??  am i wrong for wanting someone that i might be able to at the least cuddle with at night so that i am not so cold and alone??

i have not been able to calm my self long enough to ground or center in so long that honestly i am so tightly wound that i am worried about relaxing for fear of hurting someone(anyone) that might be around me .. my energy has been pent up for so long now that i fear if i let my guard down it will rush out with such force i wont be able to control it so that i can relax safely.  i do not have my guide around me down here and what control i do have i know wont be enough for the tension i have now.
i have so much blazing through my mind, heart, soul and body that i am scared to relax! i need help!!

 i guess on an upscale my new career is going well thusfar .. it hasnt been killing me physical...the work is not that hard to do just long long LONG hours (75+ a week since i started) but the job is very dangerous and i have to be 'extremely' carefull so not to hurt myself or the gen public ... radiation is some bad shiv if handled wrong.  my issue with finding a place seems to have been taken care of for the time being .. it is not where i want to be at but will have to do for the time being.  vehicle is still holding up but it is damn cold to be riding the bike right now but i have to do what i have to do...
at the current time right now i am ill and not up to par so forgive me if this is very eractic and doesnt make much sense maybe another time i will try to put it together in a better way but for now this is how it is and for now if ya dont like it ... look somewhere else ..

maybe the divine's plans for my path will lead me to a shadowy place where it wont matter what happens to me for none see me anyways.....

Cloaked.